Love and Friendship: How to Navigate To What You Really Want

Let’s start with something you probably know: relationships are messy. People have blind spots, priorities that shift without warning, and agendas that may or may not include you. 

Even if you’re loyal, caring, thoughtful and supportive, connections can sometimes still only rise to the level of “working well enough.”

Of course there are some beautiful relationships around, but not everyone experiences them, and they often aren’t forever. 

Add to that, life carries challenges and people can easily get consumed with a narrow focus, especially when jobs, children, health, money, marital issues and other concerns enter the picture. In such territory, and due to how human beings are wired, it’s not uncommon that small misunderstandings are felt large and create distance in relationships. 

That’s well before you ever get to major betrayals — the kind that leave marks that linger.

When you learn that the old phrase “people treat you the way you treat them” isn’t always, or even often, true, it’s easy to get caught in anger, disappointment, doubt and longing.

Limited Control

Unfortunately the reality is most of a relationship isn’t even in your control.

If we had to guess at numbers, you might influence forty percent of how things go.

Other times, twenty percent might be all you influence.

That’s because what you control is: your own actions, responses, and outlook.

The remaining sixty to eighty percent?

That’s the other person’s priorities, moods, habits, interpretations, and life throwing curveballs you could never anticipate.

This doesn’t mean you’re powerless.

It just means that relationships are always and forever something you don’t have total control over.

To paraphrase the singers Bonnie Raitt and Bon Iver: “You can’t make someone love you.”

Words that Could Mean Anything

There’s that word again:  love.

William Shakespeare, one of the great literary minds, couldn’t define the term itself.

But it does bring up a key lever that may help us out when it comes to relationships:  words.

It’s something people today may never consider: the words we use are a mess.

• “Friend”? Could be the person you met in high school and never talk to for 30 years. Could be a coworker you sort-of like. Could be someone who would drop everything to help you at 2 a.m.
  

• “Love”? Equally messy — fleeting crush, distant warm feeling, or the person who knows your life better than you do.
  

We no longer have words that are rooted in something beyond momentary, passing, intangible, and ephemeral feelings.

And more sobering being someone’s friend or even loving someone no longer even means:

- Being honest
- Caring about their well being
- Spending time with them
- Being loyal
- Making any kind of sacrifice

Today, the world “friend” mostly means a feeling of nostalgia or some kind of warmth.

Is that what friendship really is?  Is that what the word means?

If you walked into a car dealership and said, “I want a car,” can you tell me what you would drive off the lot?

• A sedan? 

• An SUV? 

• A truck?
  

You might get a car, but will it fit your life?

Can it park in the city, haul firewood, survive a road trip? 

Maybe. Maybe not.

Defining What You Want Better

But what do we say when we want the warmth of human connection?

We want friendship.
We want love.

A different way to think about navigating human connection is to be more precise about what kind of relationship you want. Otherwise, you’re guessing, hoping, and often disappointed.

Clarify the type of bond you need, recognize what’s actually happening, and put your energy where it counts. And maybe, just maybe, with good luck and some effort, you might find it.

Because feelings are messy, influence is partial, and life is complicated — but your choices don’t have to be.

An Older, More Precise, Framework for Love and Friendship

Here’s a simple framework — borrowed from philosophy, old spiritual traditions, and a little invented to fit modern life:

• Agape: unconditional, selfless, sacrificial love. Moral, sometimes divine, concerned with the other’s good without expecting anything back.
  

• Eros: romantic or passionate love. Emotional and physical intimacy, desire, connection.
  

• Philia: friendship, camaraderie, shared experiences, mutual respect.
  

• Philia Plus: my addition. Deep loyalty, long-term reliability, no romantic or physical attraction — the friend you could truly count on.
  

• Storge: familial love. Instinctive, familiar, dependent — the love that grows from shared life.
  

Each of these terms connotes a slightly different flavor of human connection. Ones with different features.

Why does this matter? Because most people use vague labels for wildly different realities:

“Oh, he’s my friend.”
“Oh, I love her.”
“Oh, I have a car.”

If you can clarify what kind of connection you want, you can set realistic expectations, recognize what actually exists, and decide where your care and effort will matter most.

A Variety of Relationships

Some connections are fleeting, some are functional, and some are rare and sustaining. Few will combine stability, loyalty, and depth — but knowing which is which, and what type of love or friendship you’re engaging with, gives you a compass.

So yes, love is messy, and friendship is complicated.

But understanding what’s actually happening, accepting partial influence, and being precise about what you want? That’s how you navigate the chaos without losing yourself.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s one small piece of how you end up with the right people in the right roles in your life — the sedans, SUVs, and trucks that actually fit your journey.

Key Takeaways

1. Relationships are only partly within your control

You can influence your own actions, responses, and outlook, but 60–80% of how things unfold depends on the other person’s priorities, moods, and life circumstances. Recognizing this reduces frustration and false expectations.

2. Words matter — define what you mean by love and friendship

“Friend” and “love” are used loosely today. Clarifying the type of bond you want (Philia vs. Philia Plus vs. Eros, etc.) helps you see reality more clearly and decide where to invest your energy.

3. Invest wisely, accept partial influence

Not all connections will be deep, loyal, or sustaining. By knowing which relationships align with your needs, you can focus effort where it matters instead of spreading yourself thin or being disappointed by fleeting or functional ties.

4. Life and feelings are messy, but choices don’t have to be

Even in uncertainty, you can act with clarity. By understanding the types of love, your influence, and what matters most, you navigate relationships more intentionally — like choosing the right car for your journey rather than hoping any vehicle will work.